Yes, I'm Angry. And Yes, I'm On My Period.
Yesterday at work, I got mad. I called people out and made clear I was not happy. Then I left in a huff.
After work, I got a mani-pedi, ate delicious falafel, and window shopped. I had a great relaxing evening and thought it was behind me. But right before I fell asleep, I got upset again. I replayed the scenario to my husband.
As we talked it though, I realized that I was mad at the situation, sure. But I was even more mad at myself for BEING mad. For showing my anger to others in a professional setting. I was mad at myself for not being able to properly control the situation enough so that I could AVOID getting angry and calling people out in the first place.
"Well, did they deserve it?" Nick said
"Yes," I said.
"Then don't worry about it. It's 9:15," he said. (Yeah, I have an early bed time.) "You're in bed. The day is over. Go to sleep."
And so I did.
Yesterday, I didn't attack anyone's character. I didn't curse or scream or degrade anyone. All I did was make a few choice comments and give a few choice facial expressions. And really, I do think that my reaction was justified. After all, we have ALL seen coworkers get decimated by angry, yelling and screaming colleagues before. My "outburst" was a BLIP on the radar compared to all of the outrageous, egregious behavior that is tolerated, and even celebrated and rewarded by men, for men, in the corporate, American jungle.
So why did displaying my anger cause me to feel shameful, guilty, and embarrassed?
Could it be because of my age, gender, and menstrual status? Could it be because of my control-freak, people-pleasing ways? Maybe it's because of my deeply internalized misogyny. Maybe it's because every time I display anger I'm told to "calm down." Or, perhaps it's because every time I'm on my period I chalk everything up to "just being so hormonal."
Whatever the reason, what happened, happened. So I guess I'm speaking to myself as much as to you when I say...
Yes, I'm angry. And yes, I'm on my period. Deal with it.